Grace Based Discipline

How To Be At Your Best When Your Kids Are At Their Worst

I had so much fun interviewing Dr. Tim Kimmel last week with Family Matters, I had to go back and interview his daughter Karis Kimmel Murray.

Karis just released her first book title Grace Based Discipline: How To Be At Your Best When Your Kids Are At Their Worst. Karis writes and speaks as a voice to the next generation of parents. She also co-hosts The Family Matters Minute, a nationally syndicated one-minute radio segment heard by millions of listeners every day. To learn more about Karis and her new book, visit Family Matters.net.

In today’s podcast, We’ll discuss three things:

  1. A blueprint of grace.
  2. Why grace is a radical concept especially when it comes to discipline.
  3. The difference between grace and mercy.

Grace in the Marriage Bed

A Grace Filled Marriage with Tim Kimmel - Part Four

As the old saying goes, “all good things must come to an end.” And that is certainly the case today. Today we are wrapping our conversation with Dr. Tim Kimmel of Family Matters discussing his book Grace Filled Marriage. Tim has answered many questions over the past several decades when it comes to all different sorts of family matters…including sex.

In his book, Grace Filled Marriage, Tim talks about grace filled sex. He discusses how our sexual relationship with our spouse is a litmus test on how serious we are about being an agent of God’s grace. He also talks about what grace filled sex is not. Things like using sex as manipulation, using sex as a reward, punishment and even obligation. At the end of this podcast, I’ll let you know more about Tim’s resources at Family Matters.

  1. In today’s podcast, We’ll discuss three things:
    How indifference can first start in a marriage.
  2. When does a husband deserve sex?
  3. Why it’s rare that husband’s and wives are on the same page sexually.
  4. Hasn’t this time with Dr. Tim Kimmel been great?  He is so much fun, and let me encourage you to visit Tim’s ministry website at Family Matters Dot Net.  He has dozens of materials for you and your family.

    Some of the resources that I’ve found that have been incredibly helpful to me personally have been: Grace Based Parenting and a book called Basic Training: For a Few Good Men.

    There are dozens of other resources when it comes to marriage and family so let me encourage you to visit Family Matters.

Learning to Thrive Through the Gritty Seasons of Life

A Grace Filled Marriage with Tim Kimmel - Part Three

A few months back, I was invited to a wedding anniversary.  Now, this wasn’t just any anniversary,  it was the big FIVE-O for Steve & Barbara Uhlmann.  Fifty years of wedding bliss is how we like think of these celebrations, isn’t it? This also wasn’t just any celebration either.  Steve and Barbara actually published a book called “Plastic Promises” and they talk about what their marriage was really made of.  They also gave this book away to everyone who attended.

My friend Tim Kimmel, who you’ve been getting to know over the past few days was also there. Today we both talk about the grace that not only held that marriage together, but the grace that was in that room with over two hundred people in attendance.

In today’s podcast, we’re going to continue our conversation on grace. We’ll discuss three things:

  1. Introduce you to Steve and Barbara Uhlmann
  2. How the commitment of marriage is not just to your spouse, but to God.
  3. How many couples are not divorced but indifferent.

An Introduction to Grace Based Discipline

A Grace Filled Marriage with Tim Kimmel - Part Two

What is the missing ingredient to the Christian life?  This ingredient can be used with any relationship at any time.  We talked about it a lot in yesterdays’ podcast featuring Dr. Tim Kimmel of Family MattersDo you remember…YES, It’s grace!  Who doesn’t want more grace in our lives?  Well, Believe it or not, did you know that grace can even be applied when disciplining children?

Not only in disciplining children, but as I conducted this interview it occurred to me that we need more grace in all forms of discipline.  If you’re married, it certainly starts at home with your spouse and your children.  But what about the other things that you are to other people.  We all have different roles depending on what the relationship is, right?.  Maybe you’re whether you’re a coach, a boss, teacher…anyone in authority over others.

1 Peter 5

Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. 3 Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. 4 And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor.

In today’s podcast, we’re going to continue our conversation on grace. We’ll discuss three things.

  1. What a “Wind Dummy” is and why its important
  2. How we confine God’s grace to salvation
  3. How not to confuse grace with being nice.

It really is amazing to see how God uses grace in our lives.  For Tim’s daughter Karis, who by her own admission, was her parent’s “Wind Dummy” for all this grace based everything in their lives.  It’s so cool to hear about a new chapter –  a new legacy – for the ministry of Family Matters.

Have you ever been a “Wind Dummy”?  I have, and it wasn’t for something cool like grace.  I was a Wind Dummy for my mother’s training on how to be a hair stylist.  LOL!  She went to Barber school and my brother and I were the guniea pigs for that.  I won’t give you the details, but let’s just say that there is a reason I’m now bald.  Coincidence…I think not.  One too many perms, too many variations of the mullet!  No, my mom is an amazing hair stylist and been doing that now for well over thirty years, but I digress.

The Missing Ingredient in Marriage

A Grace Filled Marriage with Tim Kimmel - Part One

Today we begin a new series, and it’s on the subject of grace. There is no other place to where grace is needed more than inside our… marriages.  And since marriage and sex are two sides of the same coin, we desperately need to learn and apply grace in our daily lives.

Now for my single friends listening, please don’t think that this message doesn’t apply to you.  It applies to all of us, we can use these principles in our friendships, family relationships, at work and school.  There is no place that grace is not welcome! Last month I had the opportunity to talk with a friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Tim Kimmel. 

Tim is the founder and Executive Director of Family Matters, whose goal is to see families transformed by God’s grace into instruments of reformation and restoration. Tim loves it when churches and families are healthy and strong. He loves it even more when they work as a team. He believes the best way to pass on saving faith and a transformed life is within the nurturing confines of a loving home. To help others achieve this, he has developed resources, conferences, and media tools to equip and encourage parents, grandparents, churches, and couples.

In today’s podcast we’ll discuss three things.

  1. How marriage is the proving ground for our own character
  2. How Jesus Christ actually proposed to His Church
  3. The very definition of what love is.

Marriage is good, noble and transformative work. So, let me ask you, what part – what aspect of your marriage are you going to work on now after listening to this podcast?  What element of your marriage, friendship, maybe a brother or sister….or a co-worker at your job – what part of you can extend more grace to these people?

Encouragement From Guys In The Trenches

The Sex Spiral: Trigger 12 - Hopelessness Part 4

Over the past seven weeks we have learned that we really do have a choice when it comes to lust. We’ve learned that we really can…be not only forgiven, but also free from the sin of pornography. We have listened to a 13 week teaching series that I taught to a class here in Phoenix last fall. It’s called “The Sex Spiral: Forgiven and Free from pornography. The Sex Spiral is a set of awareness triggers -NOT steps. Let me explain the difference…

The steps in a twelve-step program are used as guiding principles that outline a course of action. Triggers inside the Sex Spiral on the other hand, these explain the location as to where you are right now in the habit, bondage or addiction to pornography. Triggers are immediate feedback, Steps on the other hand are long range goals that you wish to accomplish. Steps are similar to looking at the face on your watch so that you can tell the time, while Triggers are all the little gears and motors that you can’t see yet. Triggers allow us to take the watch apart to see how it operates. It answers the question, “Why?”

The bondage to pornography is a series of predictable habits that we have created for ourselves. The bad news is that we don’t realize it, the good news is that as you listen, review and start applying this material to your own lives…you (By God’s grace) will break free from the bondage of porn. Jesus Christ did not die for your sin and rise from the dead for your to remain an addicted Christian! When we know where we are, then we can become less emotional and make better decisions that are based in reality and not fantasy. When we realize where we are, then we can make decisions to exit this road to nowhere and make a turn that leads to hope.

Today, we’re going to hear feedback from the men who took this class. We have a lot to learn from these guys…men who are in the very trenches of their own Sex Spiral. Men from all ages, and all backgrounds. Men who are single, married, divorced and who are on the verge of divorce. Men who have been in bondage to pornography for decades, men who have had affairs along with every other sexual sin you can think of. Men who own local businesses, who deliver mail, who do your taxes. Men who protect your community and preach at your Churches. That’s right. Christian men who love the Lord and struggle with the sin of lust.

Everyone is certainly at different stages on this journey toward recovery and purity. And there is a delicate dance between truth and grace when it comes to dealing with people in your recovery groups. That’s why this Sex Spiral material is so critical to understand. My suggestion is to use this worksheet as a timeline for the last time you sinned. As you think and review about what happened – and how you gave into your lust….you’ll see the different triggers on the worksheet and all you have to do is literally write one or two keywords down at each trigger. THEN, take this worksheet and go over exactly what happened with a trusted friend or group partner. When we continue to do this, we’ll start to see patterns…and when you see patterns then you’re able to concisely and willfully make changes when temptation arises.

How Porn Almost Killed Me

The Sex Spiral: Trigger 12: Hopelessness - Part One

Back on January 2, we started this teaching series called the Sex Spiral: Forgiven and Free From Pornography. It’s a series that I taught to a men’s group here in Phoenix last fall. The Sex Spiral is a set of awareness triggers that explain the location as to where you are in the habit, bondage or addiction to pornography.

Make no doubt about it, pornography is a series of predictable habits that we have created for ourselves. The bad news is that we don’t realize it, the good news is that as you listen, review and start applying this material to your own lives….you (By God’s grace) will break free from the bondage of porn. Jesus Christ did not die for your sin and rise from the dead for your to remain an addicted Christian!

Today we are at the last trigger inside the Sex Spiral. It’s called Hopelessness. Obviously, it’s a horrible place to be, and I pray that you never have to go there. Unfortunately, I did and today you’ll hear part of my personal story. A story of how the bondage to pornography almost literally killed me.

There is power in stories, and that’s why I’m sharing mine with you. I pray that you learn a lot from it, and that you don’t choose to make the same mistakes that I did.

Our guilt without a solution leads to hopelessness. The choice to not trust leads to hopelessness. Man, this is is so big! Something must be done with our guilt and shame. I can either choose to trust in myself and my own abilities or I can trust in God.

If I choose to continue trusting in me, I will eventually lose hope. If there is no solution to my guilt, we end up just trading one addiction for another. The ironic thing here in doing so, is that we actually believe that we’re getting better because we’re moving away from the original addiction, but were not. The reason that we’re not is because we haven’t found THE solution that’s found in Jesus Christ.

Now I’m not talking about salvation – the accepting of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. I’m talking about being free from the bondage and being free in Christ.

Galatians 5:1It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Are you free in Christ? Are you free enough to give your phone, email account and browsing history to your spouse if your married or a close friend? Or is there something that they would find that would cause great shame in your life.

It doesn’t have to be that way. It just doesn’t. You can choose to protect yourself and your family from any more shame.

How Our Past Controls Our Future

The Sex Spiral: Trigger 11 - Anger: Part Four

Today we are going to hear the last teaching message on the subject of anger, and we’re going to touch on something called unresolved anger.

It’s exactly what it sounds like.  This type of anger has to do with something that is unresolved in our life.  Maybe there’s a situation that is unsettled. Maybe there’s something or someone in your life that troubles you and unnerves you.  Just the the thought of it scares, irritates and ultimately controls you with anger. These are all signs of unresolved anger.

This podcast is part four of four and comes from a teaching series titled The Sex Spiral: Forgiven and Free From Pornography. For those of you who are new to the podcast, The Sex Spiral is a set of awareness triggers that explain the location as to where you are in the habit, bondage or addiction to pornography.  Make no doubt about it, pornography is a series of predictable habits that we have created for ourselves.  The bad news is that we don’t realize it, the good news is that as you listen, review and start applying this material to your own lives….you (By God’s grace) will break free from the bondage of porn.  Jesus Christ did not die for your sin and rise from the dead for your to remain an addicted Christian!

In today’s podcast we’ll discuss.

  1. How righteous anger is a defense for God and others.
  2. How unrighteous anger stems from someone or something is in the way of my unreached goal or plan.
  3. How we must acknowledge and understand that there is a difference between being angry and unresolved anger.

How exactly do we stop being angry?  Well the first thing is to determine what you’re angry about.  Is this righteous or unrighteous anger?  In other words, is this something that Jesus Himself would be angry about?  Or is this something that only involves you?

Secondly, we must identify the cause of the anger.  Am I angry out of Hurt, Injustice, Fear, or Frustration.

Once I identify the type and cause of my anger then I can start to get my emotions in check.  This is easier said then done I know, and if you need to count down from ten, take a few deep breaths, maybe walk around the block….do whatever you need to do so that you don’t lose control.

We talk a lot about being aware in the Sex Spiral.  Are you aware of your emotions, your tone, your words?  Most of us are not.  But once you start becoming aware, then once again you can – by God’s grace – begin to change these sinful behaviors.

Blaming God

(For My Desire To Look At Pornography)

Think about this…we blame the very people we say we love. These are the people that we are willing to give our lives for and yet we continually blame them for our behavior.

Yesterday I mentioned how we blame God for things that happen in our lives – especially when it comes to habitual sin like pornography. We say things like,

Well, if God really loved me, He wouldn’t let me be tempted. He would take all these temptations and all this sin from me, but since He doesn’t all my problems are really His fault because He refuses to help me.

Wow, sound familiar? Kind of sounds like what happened with Adam, Eve and Satan in the Garden of Eden in Genesis Chapter 3, doesn’t it? We haven’t come very far since the beginning of humanity have we?

In today’s podcast we’ll discuss:

  1. How blame is the precursor to anger.
  2. How blame effected Moses and turned him passive aggressive towards the Israelites.
  3. An interesting insight as to why Moses was not able to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land.

It’s Not My Fault!

Blame is this idea that I’m going to hold you responsible… usually for something that I did. It’s rarely a good thing when this happens, correct? Think about it, what happens when I blame you for a certain behavior?

Basically, I don’t want to take responsibility for it. I don’t want to admit that I’ve done something wrong, that I’ve made a mistake or that I’ve done something immoral. So the easy thing to do is for me to deflect all wrong doing to someone else. Usually someone that I love and care for deeply. Remember, the conversation between God, Adam, Eve and Satan in Genesis 3? It’s called The Fall. Yeah, that didn’t go so well did it? We’ll, we are going to learn from them along with some other folks – what they did right, what they did wrong, and most importantly…how we can apply those experiences to our lives personally.

In today’s podcast we’ll discuss:

  1. How someone will always be blamed as you move through the trigger of Justification.
  2. How someone is going to be the victim of my sin without exception.
  3. How when you commit a moral crime – the law demands justice.